A New Leaf

Friday:
Breakfast: Smoothie (Spinach, Kale, Blueberries, Strawberries, 1/2 banana, flax and water)
Lunch: Dole Spring Garden Salad Kit and Dole Leafy Romaine (that's TWO bags of salad!)
Dinner: Romaine with "refried" beans and scallions, homemade pita, smoothie (cherries, strawberries, kale, cocoa powder and water)
Exercise: rest day today
Fuhrmometer: 8.5 eggplant/broccoli

A phone conversation this morning between me and the hubs:

Me: I forgot my lunch today so I’m going to go to the store to get some lettuce for lunch and a couple of other things; do you want any groceries?

Hubby: (stuff he wants from the store) Yeah I thought you were going to say that you were going to go to Lori’s Natural Foods* – I see you’ve been there three times in the past three weeks.

Me: Nope, I’m turning over a new leaf.

Hubby: Promise?

Me: Yup.

…blah blah blah not important…

Hubby: Well maybe summer is your time to shine and winter is your time to maintain.

Me: We’ll see.

When I originally said “we’ll see” it was with an air of uncertainty about how well I can stick with this, given my track record of late. But one of the things that I have strived (is that a word?) to do all along is not allow myself to talk or write about my weight loss with any measure of negativity or uncertainty about my ability to succeed. Because I am succeeding and I will continue to do so. I’m choosing to give new meaning to my “we’ll see” comment and have decided that it means “we’ll see just how successful I can be, because my time to shine is all the time.”

Also – I am going to start posting every day again, even if it is just to say what I ate. If you don’t see a post from me I give you all full permission to take that as a sign that I was naughty and don’t want to fess up to it. BUT I don’t plan on that happening so no worries! I'll also be posting my weekly weigh in every Monday - gotta have added motivation to stay on track over the weekend!


*Lori's Natural Foods is the source of the tasty but not healthy wraps that I was addicted to. But not any more! Well, they will still have them but I no longer feel drawn to them like in the cartoons when a certain scent wafts around and entrances bugs bunny into floating over to whatever it might be.

crazy week

This week has been all over the place.

Monday I had a good breakfast and then tried the new stuff I made this weekend for lunch - not really awesome - and then I got the worst headache. And this was the day where it was gray and dreary outside so I just felt sleepy and lethargic in general... but anyway, I figured the headache was detox from not eating well over the weekend and that I could deal with it and I would feel better when I got to eat dinner. I went home and had my salad with beans on it for dinner along with pita bread and *ahem* pizza crusts, and the result was horrible headache getting worse compounded by nausea. Good times. Monday ended with a trip to worship the porcelain goddess and passing out at 9:30.

Tuesday I woke up and still didn't feel well and decided to stay home. I had a great smoothie for breakfast (at 11am) and felt good enough to work out. I wasn't hungry for lunch but had a nice ETL dinner and felt a lot better by the day's end.

Wednesday I got up and worked out and then I got to work and the thought of food was repulsive. I didn't drink my smoothie or eat my soup for lunch. It was the strangest thing - I wasn't hungy at all and didn't feel hungry or sick or anything. After work I went to the grocery store because I was out of lettuce and ended up getting whole grain Goldfish crackers too - and then proceeded to have them for dinner. And then later I had 2 veggie hot dogs and a couple of fries... I had been craving veggie hot dogs for a while and I was also craving ketchup for some reason. Strange. What sucks the most is that I didn't even really want the Goldfish crackers and was looking forward to my salad for dinner and while I was at the store I thought I should put them back but I didn't. If only I had a time machine.

Today I had my smoothie and soup for lunch but I also had a peice of grape pie as dessert. I will have salad with "refried" beans for dinner and am looking forward to it.

My physical and emotional feelings have been all over the place this week and it hasn't been fun. I know that if I were eating more consistently then I would feel better but then I get so frustrated that it is such a struggle for me to eat right. Sometimes I wish that hubby would ETL with me - even if it was just when he's at home. It would be comforting and fortifying to have someone in it with you.

I am getting frustrated and fed up with myself and I am starting to feel more motivated to stick with it a lot more closely. I am really sick of being stuck where I am and need the positive reinforcement of seeing the scale move. I will make it stick this time.

will it ever end?

I don't mind snow in December or January; and I can even deal with a snowy and cold Valentine's day. But so far; we haven't had ANY decent days in April - and it's depressing! Where is spring!?!

I'm glad that I have my home "gym" and have had some pretty good workouts in the past couple of days :-) I also made Curried Cashew Vegetable Soup this weekend (pics forthcoming) which has a nice, light, springtime taste - maybe if I start cooking wintery food the weather will get better?

tsk tsk tsk

Thursday:
Breakfast: standard smoothie (spinach, kale, blueberries, strawberries, 1/2 banana, flax and water)
Lunch: none
Exercise: Planned to be - 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min treadmill
Dinner: Planned to be - romaine with hummus, 1/2 homemade pita; "raw brownies"
Fuhrmometer: 9 - Broccoli (if I stick with planned exercise and dinner)

I feel guilty about last night's dinner.

Although I had a decent week last week (didn't really feel like it but that's what the scale said). I'm pretty much the same today as I was last Thursday. It's SO frustrating! At the moment all I want to do is go to the HFS and pick up a really not good for me wrap and go home and NOT work out. I'm not going to do those things but it's how I feel at the moment.

I didn't eat lunch today. I wasn't hungry for it and figured I don't need the calories. I can't really decide if I chose to skip lunch truly because I wasn't hungry or if it was really because I subconsciously wanted to make-up for eating a bad dinner.

Furthermore - I can't figure out how bad I should feel about not eating the right foods. I'm torn between saying that I should just let the past be the past and work on being as good as I can right NOW and allowing myself to feel bad/guilty to reinforce the association that junk food is not worthwhile and condition myself not to want it. I suppose I'm leaning towards letting a guilty conscience make me feel bad as punishment - aren't we all our own biggest critics?

Sorry for the blah post... but I just had to get it out! Right now I'd give anything to get that motivation and resolve back that I had last summer; but I am starting to feel the same way I was - desperate to make some changes - so I'm taking that as a good sign. All I can do is do better!

so far so good

Tuesday:
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min Treadmill
Breakfast: smoothie (spinach, kale, blueberries, strawberries, 1/2 banana, flax and water)
Lunch: Springtime Soup
Exercise: 30ish min walk with Cammie
Dinner: hummus on romaine, 1/2 homemade pita, applesauce with dates; cinnamon and lightly toasted walnuts
Fuhrmometer: 9.5 - Broccoli/Kale

Wednesday:
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min Treadmill
Breakfast: smoothie (spinach, kale, blueberries, strawberries, 1/2 banana, flax and water)
Lunch: Springtime Soup
Exercise: 30 min walk with Cammie
Dinner: Chinese - tofu & broccoli in garlic sauce with white rice
Fuhrmometer: 7 - lentil

Well, so far I'm doing well with not taking that first bite. There has been temptation and I've almost given in a couple times but I'm happy to say that I've stayed strong. Yesterday when I got home from work & walking Cammie I really wanted a PB&J, but I didn't have it and am so happy that I didn't! For some reason I have this thing about eating at certain times, I usually have my breakfast smoothie around 10am and try not to eat lunch until at least 2, but sometimes this doesn't work and I get hungry earlier. The same happens with dinner. I get hungry at 6 but don't want to eat until later and then end up eating a snack and then dinner later. Well last night when I was hungry for dinner at 5:45 I made myself wait until 6 and then had dinner. I think that some part of me is worried that I'll get hungry again if I eat dinner too early, but I was fine. I also need to remember that getting hungry is not the end of the world; I'm not going to die if I get hungry at 5:30 and can't eat until 7:30. It's just food!

Speaking of food; yesterday I was craving cinnamon rolls for some reason (I think it must have been the kind of coffee they made at the office) and came up with a really great and ETL-friendly "dessert" to satisfy my craving for brown sugar and cinannamon: dates pureed with a little hot water and cinnamon mixed into warm applesauce and topped with lightly toasted walnuts. Yummy!

Today I have been staring down the leftover Easter candy and some crackers from an open house in the kitchen. A couple of times the little devil on my shoulder tried to get me to eat just one Hershey's Kiss or jelly bean and then another time the little devil almost convinced me to say "screw it" and eat all the jelly beans etc. But every time he tries I tell that little devil to go away and that I'm NOT going to take that first bite, and it feels really good to be in control.

Hi to hubby - I miss you and can't wait to hang out with you tonight! (Sunday, Monday and Tuesday's hubby and I don't really see one another because of work schedules)

avoiding doom

Unfortunately; we can't live in a world devoid of temptation. I think that things would be a lot easier if we could. But before I digress and begin philosophizing about morals and the like; I'll refine my original statement.

It's too bad that we can't live in a world where all food is good, healthy, nutritionally excellent food.

I am a big supporter of people deciding what they want to eat on their own. I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me that I should eat meat and animal products and likewise I don't push people to Eat to Live. Sure life would be easier if the people around me ate more like I do; but that's also a two-way street. The point is, I've made a decision to eat as naturally and nutritiously as possible and I have to learn to live with the fact that there is food around me that I shouldn't eat and condition myself not to want to eat it.

There are times when I'll give in and eat something that I shouldn't and afterward I can just feel that the food was basically a hollow nutritional wasteland. There are times when I've given in and had that first bite of something and instantly regretted it. There are times when that first bite triggers a landslide of bad eating and the "screw it" mentality.

Yesterday I had one of those days where the first bite led to my downfall. I didn't eat too horribly but I know I could have had a much better day if I didn't have that first bite. I know that eating off-plan food will make me feel guilty and regretful and not help my weight loss at all and I have to keep remembering that every time I pass the candy dish in the hallway at work, or every time I walk into the office kitchen and see sweets and crackers and whatever staring back at me.

Recently, over at at Half of Me (a FANTASTIC weight-loss blog); PQ wrote about how smokers can quit smoking completely and alcoholics avoid alcohol completely but everyone always has to eat - no matter if one is addicted to food or not (go read the post). I am often in a state of mind these days where I wish that I didn't enjoy or care about food and truly just ate to satisfy my biological nutritional needs. I often wish that I don't want to eat for stress relief or enjoyment or any of that horrible stuff but I do - and it's much more mental than physical - it's the enjoyment of sitting down to eat dinner with hubby and sharing a meal (the same food) once in a while and that feeling of "normal." This is a big thing that I'll need to work on.

For now, I'm going to work on NOT taking that first bite and remembering the doom that will follow from taking that first bite before it happens. I'll have so many more good, no, AWESOME days if I can pull this off. It wasn't easy when I first went vegetarian almost 10 years ago; but over time my resolve not to eat meat has grown and strengthened, and a big factor in that was not breaking down and eating that chicken sandwich or whatever it was that tempted me. That resolve paid off and here I am, these days I wouldn't eat a steak if you paid me. I think that with time, persistence, and NOT taking that first bite I'll be able to do the same with ETL.


PS The image is of the top of our wedding cake, our 1.5 year anniversary/ 2 year homeowning anniversary is this Saturday. Hard to believe! ;-)

Even though it's been snowing (YUCK!) here and I haven't felt too good for the past few days; I made a lot of spring-timey food for the upcoming week. I made Dr. Fuhrman's Tasty Hummus, Whole Wheat Pitas, and Springtime Soup.

The most fun thing that we made (hubby helped) were the pitas. They were also surprisingly easy to make. I got this recipe at AllRecipes and used King Arthur White Whole Wheat flour instead of white flour to keep it whole grain. We also used applesauce instead of oil to make it fat-free. Next time I make these I will cut the salt in half or eliminate it completely. I'll also will experiment with cutting down on the sugar - although I don't think that I can cut it out completely because the yeast needs a little sugar, doesn't it? I also want to experiment with mixing in other types of flour or adding in flax.

But most importantly, the tastiest thing that I made this weekend is the soup. Hubby got Nava Atlas' Vegetarian Soups for All Seasons: Bountiful Vegan Soups and Stews for Every Time of Year for me back at Christmas time and I haven't had a chance to cook anything out of it until now. The soup I made today I adapted from her recipe for Greek-Flavored Spinach and Orzo Soup. I doubled the recipe since soup is an entire meal for me and cut out the oil. I substituted pearl barley for the orzo because I'd rather have a whole grains than the pasta, used (a lot) more spinach than called for in the original recipe and added artichokes. Here's the recipe as I made it:

Springtime Soup

Adapted from Greek-Flavored Spinach and Orzo Soup by Nava Atlas

2 C cleaned & sliced leek
6-10 cloves garlic, minced
1 large red bell pepper, diced
12 cups water with 4 cubes salt-free vegan bouillon (or equal amount of light flavored veggie broth)
2 cans salt-free tomatoes, briefly buzzed in blender or food processor
2 9oz boxes frozen artichokes
1 cup pearl barley
2 tsp dill
2 1-lb bags frozen spinach
1 small bunch flat-leaf parsley, coarsely chopped
1 C lemon juice

1. Water-sauté leeks, garlic, and red bell pepper until softened; about 5 minutes.
2. Add water, bouillon, tomatoes, barley, dill, and frozen artichokes. Cover and bring to simmer for 30-40 minutes until barley is slightly chewy.
3. When soup is almost done simmering, portion spinach out into containers. (Do this only if making meals ahead, if not stir spinach into soup before serving).
4. Stir in parsley and lemon juice.

Yield: 8 to 10 meal-sized servings

It may have been the scale; but when I weighed myself on Friday morening after having an awesome day on Thursday I was down about 5 pounds. My first thought was that the batteries in the scale are dying and we need to get some new ones pronto. But I weighed myself a few more times and figured that it was pretty close to reality. I must have shed a lot of water weight that day.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were struggles - on Friday I didn't plan well and ended up having junk food for lunch and then said "screw it" and had junk for dinner too. Saturday and Sunday are a blur... Then Monday I got my act together and worked out and ate well most of the day. I didn't do too well for dinner but it wasn't horrible either and I luckily had a loss when I weighed myself yesterday morning. Tuesday was another roller coaster type of day; and I did OK but not great. I did end up losing some due to my food for the day being mostly ETL-friendly (but too much pasta and I did have some dairy).

I have been feeling really bad about not being able to get back on plan as strictly as I want to. Then I realized that in the last week the scale has gone down almost 10 pounds (we'll see what it says tomorrow morning). Which, even if a lot of that is water weight, isn't too bad. Actually, it's pretty good and I kind of feel guilty about it!

I know I can do better and these numbers should spur me on to see what I really can do when I actually TRY TO RESTRAIN MYSELF. I can remember in the beginning last summer when I had cravings that I thought were going to drive me crazy but I just let them be and didn't give into them. I asked myself why at the beginning I had so much more resolve and willpower not to cheat, what was different about me then? The answer that I came up with is that last summer I was nearly 300 pounds and I had so much self loathing about it that I had to get the weight off as quickly as possible so I wouldn't feel as much shame as I was feeling about my weight. Now that I've lost 70-75 pounds I don't feel as bad about my body as I did. This is dangerous. I'm closer to my goals of being "normal sized" and being able to wear normal clothes (a shallow motivator I know, but still it's a big one for me). So I need to keep going.

I need to keep going.

I want to keep going.

I will keep going.

I want to feel even better and be able to do even more. I want to continue to get healthier. And I do want to eventually buy these beautiful goal dresses that I keep on looking at and pining over all of the time. I just need to put more coal on the ol' motivational fire.

the do-over: Day 1

Thursday:
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min Treadmill
Breakfast: Smoothie (7oz spinach, 3oz kale, 1/2 banana, strawberries, blueberries, 2 dates, flax and water)
Lunch: Blended Greens Soup (with lentils)
Exercise: 30 min walk with Cammie
Dinner: Blended Salad (romaine, pineapple, strawberries, 2 dates), 1 oz Walnuts (not in the smoothie)

Fuhrmometer: KALE!

Today was easier than I thought it would be. I am having some detox symptoms, a small headache and achy body in general and I felt like I could go to bed at 6:30, but no major cravings or anything. Part of today going so well had to do with having a positive attitude about things and the other big factor for today's success was all of the greens I packed into my smoothie - 10oz! That's twice what I have been putting into them and I also cut back on the banana. It tastes mostly the same but is a little less sweet. Overall it's still tasty and awesomely good for me. Oh yeah, it was SALT FREE too! Go me!

And see that picture up there? Yeah, it's the Deueling Dragons Roller Coaster at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure and I rode it when we were in Florida last week. We also rode The Mummy, The Hulk, and the Flying Unicorn roller coasters - but the dragons were my favorite. Ok, the Mummy was pretty cool too (we got my 87 year-old grandpa to ride it, hilarious!).

But this isn't a roller-coaster blog! It's a weight-loss and sometimes food blog and the reason that I mention the roller coasters is that last month I wrote about how I hoped that I would fit into the roller coaster seats; and that I have been avoiding roller coasters and theme parks in general for years because I knew I didn't fit in the seats. Well now I'm less overweight that I have been in probably about 10 years and I was ready to give roller coasters a try again.

At Universal they have what I'm calling test seats out in front of the roller-coastery attractions with a sign that says something like "This attraction cannot accommodate people with certain body types, please use these test seats to see if you fit." Or something like that. Anyway, these test seats are in front of the entrance to the attraction where everyone is - so if you don't fit it'd still be pretty embarassing.

The first ride like this that we (I) wanted to go on was The Mummy - and if you haven't been on it and are planning to go to Universal - YOU HAVE TO RIDE IT! When we were walking up to it we saw the seats and hubby said "do you want to try it out?" I did, but I didn't want to take the risk of not fitting in front of all of those other people and kids. I took a look at the seats, "Nah, I'll be ok" I said.

So we went in, and the whole wait to get on the ride I was dieing of nervousness, it did't get any better and even as we were sliding through the car to our seats I was wondering if I would fit... I mentally crossed my fingers and sat down... I FIT! It was such an awesome feeling and I'm glad that we went to the park.

Other people have said it before and it is so true - don't wait to live your life until you reach your goal, you'll miss out on a lot of fun along the way.

last hurrah's and new beginnings

It’s probably a vast generalization on my part to say this; but most dieters engage in a last hurrah before embarking on their diet plan. They will allow themselves one final last goodbye to all of the food that they will no longer be able to eat once they start to actually control their eating. One last meal of not caring about calories, fat, or nutritional value, not worrying about willpower, and just having whatever they want. Or maybe it’s just me.

Tomorrow morning I am starting the Six-Week Plan again. I dislike having to say that I am starting over; because to me I never really felt like I stopped Eating to Live. For the most part I’ve been good with at least having my breakfast smoothies and a good lunch or dinner. But the fact of the matter is that ever since the holidays I haven’t been doing my best. There have been a few weeks here and there where I was doing "ok" but it didn’t last; and knowing that I am not eating as well as I possibly can is weighing on my conscience.

In April and May I will have to attend an Alumni event and Graduation for students who attend the college where I work. I’d like to look nice for these events. When hubby and I were on vacation I tried on a very pretty dress in a size 16. This is a big deal because currently most of my pants that fit well are 20’s or 20W’s. So when the size 16 (not 16W I might add) actually fit onto my body, albeit snugly, it felt really good. I’d like to be able to go back to the store and buy that dress or one like it so I can look and feel good for these festive occasions.

So starting tomorrow it’ll be a fresh start. I’m prepared for the cravings, I’m prepared for the headaches, I’m prepared to feel junky in general; but I’m also prepared to get my tastebuds back when I kick my salt habit and I’m also prepared to not have any more cravings and to just feel altogether awesome. Last summer I lost 25 pounds in my first five weeks. I have five weeks from Friday to the Alumni Event and eight weeks from Friday to Graduation– let’s see how good I can do!

The Phasing Out of Salt: Day One

Thursday:
Breakfast: Standard Smoothie
Lunch: Green Soup (greens & lentils, garlic, tomatoes etc.)
Dinner: grilled cheese (CRINGE!)

Well day one of the de-salting of Nicole went ok. I should have had salad for dinner but just didn't. It's lunches (soup) that are the real issue for me with salt. Breakfast smoothies or blended salads aren't a challenge with salt and I can be happy with salad without salt as well (and usually am). It seems to be hot foods and beans that I find myself wanting to add salt to. I usually make my soups without salt and use no-salt canned tomatoes and all - but then I end up adding Bragg's to the soup before eating it. I'd like to think that it is lower-sodium overall to add the Bragg's but even some added salt/sodium is more than I need.

Dr. Fuhrman has referenced studies that have shown that people who eat a Vegetarian diet without regard to salt intake have a risk of stroke that is higher than those who eat the Standard American Diet (i.e. junk). Furthermore, effects of salt consumption can manifest in high blood pressure later in life. I recently checked my blood pressure in one of those pharmacy blood pressure machines and it was something close to 130/80, which is higher than the "normal" 120/80 - it's not too much higher but I know that I can bring it down by continuing to exercise and cutting out the added sodium in my diet. Salt is addictive and dangerous to my health and I don't want to be dependent on it or put myself at risk for hypertension or stroke any longer.

I'd really like to retrain my tastebuds so that I'm not addicted to salt for soups and other hot foods to taste good. Fellow ETLers who have cut out salt have said that after a while food no longer tastes bland and the flavor returns and things taste even better than they did before. I tried to cut out salt last summer when I first started Eat to Live and was miserable. I decided that it would be ok to use Braggs in my food because it is lower sodium than table salt and I could easily stick to keeping the added salt to around 300mg a day.

Now that I'm in a place where I'm comfortable with the diet and working out I am ready to kick the salt addiction. In the last 9.5 months I've made a lot of improvements to my diet by working to eat for nutritional excellence. It's another step toward becoming the healthy, athletic person that I am striving to be.

Sorry it's been so long! I've been doing ok the past few days; nothing fantastic but not too horrible either. Work has been very busy with my boss on vacation and me trying to get ready for vacation. I spent Sunday making soup and smoothie kits to last me this week and next week AND the week after that. It'll be nice to come back from vacation and not worry about breakfasts or lunches. Dinners will be salad so they're always easy.

I hope to be able to swim for exercise in Florida. I guess that will depend on how cold the pool is and if I can tolerate it!

When I get home I would like to finally cut salt out of my diet. I know how bad it is for me and I'd really like to "get my taste buds back" as many other ETLers have. Tune in at the end of next week for my de-salting journey!

blah blah, whine, complain, go eat some spinach

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I didn't want to work out; and procrastinated about it for a good 45 minutes befire going downstairs to do it. My workout wasn't much fun either. I spent a lot of the time saying mean things to Maya - the virtual personal trainer in Yourself!Fitness- and after 30 minutes of that I gave up rather than doing my regular other 30 minutes of exercise. Then I was crabby about going to work - it's especially tough when it's hubby's day off and I still have two more days of work. I was angry that I didn't "have anything to wear". When I got to work I was b*!chy about being here and didn't want to talk to anyone and I was literally angry at the junk food in the kitchen.

But then I had my smoothie - 8oz spinach, 4oz each blueberries, strawberries and banana with flax and water. And got some work done and now I don't feel so grumpy. I actually feel pretty ok. I don't know for sure if the attitude change is due to the good, healthy food but I think it helped. I know that when I'm eating right I feel better emotionally/psychologically as well as physically. Compared to how I used to feel emotionally/physically before ETL it's a very big improvement and is something that I'd sort of forgotten about. I'm kind of in a round-about way glad for this because it did remind me of another reason why I love this lifestyle.

The picture doesn't show too much of a difference from the -50 picture but I can tell a big difference in my clothes and the physical activity I can do. :-)

Hopefully sometime this week or next week before we leave for vacation I'll hit the 80 pounds lost mark which will be halfway to my goal!

FINALLY!

I've lost 75 pounds!

It took almost six months to lose this last 25 pounds; but I did it - and I learned a lot about myself in that six months too. 5 more pounds and I'll be 1/2 way there!

More tonight - just wanted to start celebrating early ;-)

edited at 4:21

Saturday:
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min Treadmill
Breakfast: Standard Smoothie
Lunch/Dinner: steamed veggies, rice, veggie egg roll

Well last night I had a great two-hour workout burning 1000 calories of bad food that I ate yesterday. This morning I got up had had another decent workout today; so I feel like I'm pretty much recovered from yesterday's indescretions.

Today we were out shopping and went to a chinese place for lunch. I had the steamed veggies with just a little bit of white rice and dipped my fork in the sauce on the side for a little flavor. I did also have a veggie egg roll; which isn't so good, but I'm happy about everything else.

falling down

Friday (so far):
Breakfast: orange juice, winter warm fruit salad, pound cake, whipped cream, 3 mini- bite sized quiches
Lunch: winter warm fruit salad, pound cake, whipped cream, chex mix

I shoulda had a smoothie!

Today was a co-worker's birthday; and we had a brunch for her. I made Dr. Fuhrman's Winter Warm Fruit Salad to bring in with fresh whipped cream and pound cake. My plan was to just have the fruit but somehow I allowed myself to have the cake and all of that other junk. And then I did it again for lunch... what's wrong with me? Why did I do that? I feel so crappy about it and am really angry with myself right now. I wish I had had a smoothie for breakfast to make it easier to resist the bad food, I wish I had stopped myself before I ate any of that crap... I was doing so well.

Today was supposed to be my day off from working out but now I think that I need to go home and work as much of this off as I can. Hubby is working OT tonight so I guess I will spend my Friday night on the treadmill atoning for my SAD sins. It'll make me feel better and hopefully I won't end up gaining weight because of my indescretions.

Well, back on the horse with the knowledge and experience never to come to work (or anywhere) on a party day without my smoothie!

Thursday:
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min Treadmill
Breakfast: Standard Smoothie
Lunch: 2/3 bowl Golden Austrian Cauliflower soup, apple
Dinner: whole wheat pita, romaine, red onion, refried beans
Fuhrmometer: Kale

Today was a good day. I wasn't tempted to eat bad food at all today and am feeling really good about things. I guess that's just about it for today!

new pants

Wednesday:
Exercise: 30min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min treadmill
Breakfast: Standard Smoothie
Lunch: 1/2 bowl of Golden Austrian Cauliflower Soup, apple
Dinner: 1/2 sandwich with tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber, red onion, possibly red pepper, some feta and cilantro hummus - it was from Panera
Fuhrmometer: 9/Broccoli

Today, for the first time in my life, I wore a major garment (pants) that I purchased at the Gap. The pockets still don't look right (the pants are just a tad tight through the hips, but I don't think that side-slit pockets are flattering to many women, plus what does any woman ever keep in the pockets of her dressy work pants? I know I don't put anything in them...); but the pocket dilemma was easily fixed by a longer sweater to cover them. :-)

I know that this sounds stupid to most people, but when you've been overweight since you can remember and haven't been able to shop in "normal" stores since probably middle school; it's a big deal.

For me this is a stepping-stone into a life as a normal sized person. I am still overweight, and have no plans on staying this size, but now that I am not pigeon-holed into shopping in the plus size department I can see the clearing at the end of the path, and I am very excited to get there.

temptation, frustration, elation

Monday:
Breakfast: Standard Smoothie (spinach, blueberries, banana, strawberries, flax)
Lunch: 1/2 bowl Golden Austrian Cauliflower Soup
Dinner: Macaroni & Cheese
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min treadmill
Fuhrmometer: blueberry/lentil

Tuesday:
Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min treadmill
Breakfast: Standard Smoothie
Lunch: apple
Dinner: salad (romaine, "refried" beans), 1/2 whole wheat pita
Fuhrmometer: KALE!

Yesterday was a day of temptation; and today was a day of frustration.

This week we are having student appreciation at campus (work). We are giving all the classes some nice water bottles with the college name on it as well as some fruit and pastries and a little bit of candy. Somehow I became the person to put all of the food together and deliver it to the classes, which I have no problem with - except for the part where I have to stare down mini cream puffs and mini eclairs.

A few times yesterday I almost talked myself into giving in; but I didn't. The good ETLer in me told me I didn't need that junk and that I would just feel bad about myself if I ate it. I'm happy that I listened!

However that was not to last. Last week hubby was under the weather and couldn't eat too much. I told him that I would make him macaroni and cheese. Well this week he's better; but I kept my promise. I had planned on eating salad for dinner and not the mac & cheese - but it reeled me in. I felt so guilty after eating it and really regretted it.

Today was tough, I was still beating myself up over last night's dinner and then at lunch time I was seriously craving a wrap from the Natural Foods Store (not ETL). But I'm elated to say that I stuck with the plan today for lunch and dinner and had my first Kale day in a while. It makes me feel so good and gives me a boost of motivation that I really needed. I know that I can make tomorrow another Kale day.

It's definitely not always easy to eat right and do the things I need to do to be healthy and lose weight, but it is easier when you're mindful of how good it feels to be doing all the right things.

the good and the not-as-good

Saturday:
Breakfast: smoothie (romaine, blueberries, banana, flax, water)
Lunch: handful of walnuts
Dinner: baked french fries with ketchup
Exercise: 60 min Yourself!Fitness, 60 min treadmill

Sunday:
Breakfast: baked french fries with ketchup
Dinner: Burritos (whole wheat pita, "refried" beans, romaine)
Exercise: 45 min Yourself!Fitness, 40 min treadmill

The weekends are usually tough for me. On the weekdays it's easier to stick with ETL foods because I don't give myself the time or the opportunity so much to eat SAD. This weekend I had some really good workouts; it's really nice not to have to rush through them. This week is going to be a good week for me. I can just feel that it's all going to come together this week and I'll be able to keep it up.

fit

Friday:
Breakfast: Smoothie (romaine, flax, blueberries, banana, water)
Lunch: skipped
Dinner: TBD at a restaurant
Exercise: skipping, but planning on a super extra special double workout tomorrow

In about 2.5 weeks hubby and I are going on vacation. When we are on vacation we have plans to go to a theme park. At said theme park there will be roller coasters. I haven't ridden in a roller coaster since probably freshman year of high school. At some point when I was in high school I got too fat for roller coasters and have avoided them since then, and theme parks all together. It's not fun.

I know that even right now I am not as large as I was when I was a senior in high school. The only reason that I know this is that I tried on my prom dress a few months ago and it was huge on me. That's a good thing. But I'm still a little bit leery if I am thin enough to be able to fit into roller coasters. I want to be able to, but I am nervous about it.

Generally, I "fit" into things much better now than I used to. I can remember going to the movies and not being comfortable in the seats because of my size. We recently went to the movies with some friends and I was pleased to find that the seats are much more comfortable now and that there is (a small amount) of extra space. Hubby used to always wonder why it would take me so long to get in/out of the car - well now I beat him out of the car all the time. My office chair is much more comfortable than it used to be too. I can fit in my Gap pants now and am *this* close to being satisfied enough with the way they look on me to wear them to work.

There's no doubt that I am now a size that is much closer to normal that I used to be. But is it going to be enough? I really hope so. The only thing I can do at this point is spend the next few weeks eating as well as I can and doing the best I can with my workouts.

The only way I will know if I'm roller-coaster appropriate (lol) will be to try it out. I have been able to achieve a lot that I didn't think I could do - running is a great example - so there's no reason not to try. In the event that it doesn't work out; it'll just be added incentive to keep going. Not like I really need added incentive, but it's nice to have around.

Thursday: (so far)Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min treadmill
Breakfast: Smoothie (romaine, pineapple, blueberries, flax and water)
Lunch: Cheez-Its and Pretzels :(
Dinner: (to be added)

Today's lunch was a struggle! I was haunted by the spirit of the wraps at the Natural Foods Store down the street but also repulsed by the thought of eating the soup that I brought from home. I ended up with the pretzels and the cheez-its. Sigh. I did have a good work out this morning and am not going to let the lunch thing get to me.

This week's soup has been Golden Austrian Cauliflower soup from the member center. A lot of people over on Dr. F's message boards have tried it and really like it but it's just not for me. Since I hate to throw food away; I will do my best to finish it but will have to add something to it to pep it up. Curry powder did wonders for me before, hmmm...

Can I just say how much I enjoy working out in the morning? Because I do - by the time I leave for work I feel like half my day is over. If my day at work goes bad then I can remind myself that I've already worked out for the day and that's something to feel good about.

things

Monday:
Breakfast: smoothie (kale, romaine, pom juice, pineapple, banana, flax)
Lunch: salad (romaine, red onion, walnuts, a little blue cheese, balsamic vinegar)
Dinner: "burrito" (homemade "refried" beans, lettuce, salsa in 1/2 of a whole wheat pita)
Non-ETL food: candy
Exercise: 30 min Cardio with Yourself!Fitness, 30+ min walk with Cammie

Tuesday:
Breakfast: smoothie (spinach, blueberries, strawberries, banana, flax)
Lunch: Golden Austrian Cauliflower Soup with Kale
Dinner: Salad (romaine lettuce with homemade "refried" beans and salsa), 1/2 whole wheat pita
Non ETL food: 3 small chocolates, about 6 Nutter-Butters
Exercise: Rest Day

Wednesday:
Breakfast: smoothie (spinach, blueberries, strawberries, banana, flax)
Lunch: Golden Austrian Cauliflower Soup with Kale
Dinner: "burrito" (homemade "refried" beans, lettuce, whole wheat pita)
Non-ETL food: pudding cup
Exercise: 30 min jogging on the treadmill (not walking!)

I have been getting back on track slowly. Last week I lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 pounds. I am close to being back up to speed; as can be seen by the past few days of food. One of the things that has really helped me get back on track has been my workouts. I've always enjoyed exercising when I actually get my (sometimes) lazy self up to do it... and becoming more athletic and active has been one of my major goals since the get go (well that and the clothes... sigh, the clothes) ;-)

Previously the best I could do running would be to jog for a few minutes - maybe five at the most and then I would have to stop and walk the rest of the way. Well a few weeks ago I decided to try to do one of the programs on my treadmill just for something different. It forced me to do some jogging and I realized that I could do much more than I thought I could. I don't run too fast, but I do keep the treadmill at a respectable incline (isn't it supposed to be better for your knees?) and the other day I jogged for a decent (to me) 25 minutes straight. It's new and fun and I get an awesome workout. I'm going to work on increasing my speed and endurance and maybe someday actually try running outside - although I enjoy watching the treadmill count all of the calories I'm burning. :-)

I really want to transform myself into an athlete. I often find myself fantasizing about winning/being given a ridiculous amount of money and winning the HGTV Dream Home so that I can quit my job and spend my winters skiing and my summers hiking and kayaking and white water rafting. The first thing I'd purchase with my riches? Well, that'd be a 57 Chevy Bel-Air, but the second would be an Endless Pool so that I can swim whenever I want no matter what the weather is like. I think that I would train for and compete in the Xterra Triathlons, which is something I can still do living my normal life. I just have to keep plodding along on this weight loss road. Exercise just became double-duty: 1)weight-loss facilitation and 2) triathlon training. Sweet!

Hey! So guess what? I’ve been totally sucking these past few weeks. I’m sure it’s no surprise since that’s pretty much what we all think is happening when we don’t hear from a weight loss blogger. I don’t think that it is a coincidence that I did my best with my weight loss when I was making it a priority to blog every day. I really need to start doing that again.

Tuesday afternoon I got a call from someone from DrFuhrman.com asking me to be a guest caller on Dr. F’s internet radio show Nutritional Wisdom on Wednesday. The topic was “Why all diets fail” which I found a little ironic because I’ve been feeling like I’m on the failing side of things lately, but because I have a tough time saying no to anyone, I agreed to do it. For the rest of that day and the next morning I went back and forth with myself about actually doing it or not and thinking about what I would say if I did do it. Some of the things that went through my head were about how much better I feel both physically and mentally when I’m eating ETL foods and how much that it has improved my life. I did end up calling in and it went ok I think – the hubby says that he will use the recording of the show as blackmail fodder. In case you missed it and want to hear me being nervous out of my mind and probably coming across pretty geeky click here and select the 2/7/07 show.


I am glad that it happened because as I said it really highlighted the reasons why I’m doing this as well as the fact that it really works. Despite this I haven’t been able to say no to junk food lately either. I’ll do well for breakfast and lunch and then blow it by having a cookie or a totally bad dinner. I miss the feeling of seeing my weight go down every week instead of seeing the scale stay pretty much the same or go up.

I know that when I stick to ETL it works for me. So why can’t I just stick to it?

Not being able to stick to it just makes me feel bad about myself. Most of the time the food isn’t that satisfying and/or it makes me feel physically bad so why do I keep eating it? It’s not even a matter of not liking ETL food – because I do. I just have to stop. I just have to be stronger. I know I can do it, so I will do it.

An added incentive for me to really be strict with myself is that we just planned a vacation to a warm place for the middle of March – the time when winter has got you beat – and I’d really like to be able to buy some new clothes to take with me from the normal sized part of a store like Old Navy. I’m so close to being able to fit into the normal clothes and not the Women’s or Plus clothes and I’d really like to be able to do that for our vacation. I think that if I am back on track and really stick with things then I will be able to do it. I really hate setting goals but I just can’t avoid this one. I don’t think that it’s an unreachable goal and I’m not going to attach a target weight to it and I have a feeling that this is a goal that I am going to meet.

The other day Kim asked this question:

"I was wondering if you had tried any of the recipes from the E2L book that weren't soup oriented... I sometimes wonder how filling soup alone can be. Is there a reason why you tend towards a very "liquidy" E2L? Just curious. :)"

I went to post a comment to answer; but I ended up writing a book and thought it would make a half-way decent post, so here goes:

Two recipes that I have tried that aren't soups are the Mexican Lasagna/Enchilada Casserole and an Eggplant Lasagna (using eggplant instead of noodles) from Fat Free Vegan. They were both very good and I would make them again. Other non-soup dishes I have made are steamed veggies with some seasonings and a little bit of Braggs and also wraps with hummus and other veggies.

I realize that I usually make soups and haven’t tried too many non-soup dishes; I have found that I really like soup and it can be very filling. I like to make soups which include beans to get in my daily allotment of beans and make the soup more filling than it would be without the beans. Since I try my best to stay away from grains and starchy veggies soups are a good and easy way for me to get these things in.

Another reason that I have gravitated toward a "liquidy" ETL diet it for ease and simplicity. I'm not a morning person, so putting all of my frozen fruit and banana together on the weekends and making a quick smoothie to take to work with me on weekdays works very well. For me, soup is also easy to make ahead and freeze in individual containers to take to work for lunch. Since I’m the only person in my household who is ETLing, it’s more convenient for me to make one thing on the weekend and eat it throughout the week rather than cooking something every night.

In my early ETLing days I did try to eat all my food whole – whole fruits and big salads and huge bowls of steamed veggies. Over time I evolved into a system that I am very happy with (when temptation doesn’t get the better of me). I prefer to eat a “liquidy” ETL because it’s what works for me. The food still retains all of its nutrients and fiber but is just easier to ingest. I prefer not to take an hour and a half to eat breakfast – but that’s just me. I think that everyone has to figure out how to make the plan work for them. I’m in a place right now where I am very happy with the formula I’ve come up with but it took a while to get here.

I’ve never felt that I have the patience or time to cook a different meal every night… I guess that’s part of the reason that I used to have a vegetarian diet made up of a lot of frozen food and take out. Not healthy! Now I have a much healthier diet that is for the most part just as simple as it was before.

In other news - still trying to get back on track - it's tough but I am getting back into the right mindset. I had a few good days this week and a few not-so-good days too. I've made some good decisions and some not so good. Each day I am trying my best and each day will get better and better.

Been doing ok with this new resolution...

Monday:
Breakfast: smoothie (spinach, blueberries, banana, strawberries and flax)
Lunch: Blended Green Soup
Dinner: Salad (lettuce, red onion, balsamic vinegar, walnuts, a little bit of blue cheese) and then some of hubby's hot chocolate and some cereal with soy milk

Exercise: None
Fuhrmometer: Lentil


Tuesday:
Breakfast: smoothie
Lunch: Blended Green Soup and a small handful of popcorn
Pre-workout: small spoon of peanut butter
Dinner: Salad (same as before) and *cringe* ice cream bar

Exercise: 65 min Yourself!Fitness
Fhurmometer: Lentil/Eggplant

cracking down

I don’t really like to admit it; but I am a competitive person. This usually doesn’t come out in the traditional sense, like when playing games or racing or something… for me, it’s about intelligence and success. Where does this tie into weight loss? Well, I guess I am a competitive dieter.

I’ve been struggling to have consistent weight loss for a few months now. I lost my first 50 pounds in just over 3 months. It’s been over 4 months since then and I’ve only managed to get another 20 pounds off. The only reason for this is that I haven’t been strict enough with what I eat. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted throughout the holidays and then the kitchen remodel. For the past few weeks since we’ve been able to use the kitchen again I’ve been doing better but not great. When it gets to be the weekend it’s been all too easy to just eat bad food and let the “screw it” mentality take over. To add insult to injury I haven’t been working out consistently either.

There are many weight loss blogs that I love to read; not only to learn about the experiences and thoughts of others as they lose weight and learn about their relationship with food but also as a measure of how I am doing compared to others. It’s a stupid thing to do but it does keep me going. I’ve been stalled for nearly two months now and am jealous of the rest of the world who made it through the holidays with losses or successfully got back on track weeks ago. I’m sick of myself and my lack of willpower and discipline. I’m pissed at myself that I’ve let myself lag behind in this self-imposed race.

I want to lose another 50 like the first 50. I want to break out of the 200’s more than anything. I want to have the discipline back that I had in the beginning. I need to crack down on myself.

This all seems like a major contradiction to my last post doesn’t it? I think on the surface it can appear that way; but at the same time – caring more about nutrition now than before and wanting to get the scale moving again can be two very separate things. I have been too laid back about things for the past few weeks and I need to get back to work.

My newest goal – six weeks of nothing but ETL – no ice cream, no chips, no pizza and no wraps from the HFS. My only non-ETL exception? Salad from a restaurant and a little bit of blue cheese on my dinner salads. I know I can do it. Also – I will back to posting daily what I eat and my workouts. Starting NOW!

the inner dialogue

A few weeks ago; I decided to try out bringing my soup with me to have for lunch instead of having it for dinner. I had been bringing salad or a blended salad for lunch since I started ETLing last June and it works out better some days than others. I thought that if I have warm and filling soup for lunch it will help me not make excuses to go get lunch from the Natural Foods store or eat the random junk food that sometimes finds its way into the office kitchen.

So the plan has been working well and today I had a breakthrough. I've talked before about the delicious but not necessarily healthy wraps at the Natural Foods store which is coincidentally right down the street from my office. In the past I have had trouble staying away from these wraps. I get the idea of them in my head and sometimes its hard for me to say no and eat my planned lunch. The thought of them just tortures me until I give in and go get one. Sometimes I feel guilty about it; sometimes I feel icky after eating it; and sometimes I enjoy it. But I always know that I'm not eating as healthy as I should.

Here's the part about the breakthrough. Today I brought some of my blended greens and lentil soup (two posts down) with me for lunch but I thought in the back of my head that maybe I would get a wrap for lunch and save the soup for another day. Usually this is the point where I can't get the thought of the wrap out of my head and have to go get it to stop torturing myself; but today the inner me said "No, I really want to have delicious and nutritious green soup for lunch." instead of going on and on about the wrap. BREAKTHROUGH! The soup for lunch technique works!

I think that I am *finally* getting to a point in my ETLing where I am out of the diet mentality and am more focused on just eating good healthy food. I am more concerned with making sure that I get in as much raw and leafy greens into all my meals rather than how many pounds I am going to lose this week or when I will hit my target weight. It took 7 months to get to this point; and for a long time I didn't think that I would. Now I can really say that Eat to Live is a lifestyle for me and not a diet tool. Once I do reach my goal weight I will surely keep this up for life. It feels so good to be able to say that and really truely believe it.

Picture Pages: Kitchen

DISCLAIMER: The pics aren't formatted correctly right now but I will update with better ones. I just had to post some pics!


As much of a before as I have... note the hole in the sophet (sp?) and the already peeled wallpaper amongst other destruction :-)

Before - left. Yes, I did pick out the ORANGE orange paint and no, I don't know why.

Before - right. We have a small and narrow kitchen so I have to stand in the dining room to take the pictures.

View into the kitchen from the dining room through the old (narrow!) doorway and the useless little window thingie. We got rid of the window and widened up the doorway.

My Grandpa (he's 87 and still helping with the construction proejcts) with the cabinet-less kitchen.

Just the studs.

Another view of the gutted kitchen.

Back to looking like a "real" room again!

Finally I get to paint!

Cabinets back in, new countertop in, pot rack is up... VitaMix back in it's rightful place. It's gonna be so nice!

We still have to tile the floor and backsplash and finish the cabinets. It took us a while to decide how we want to finish them but we've finally made up our minds. More pictures as things get wrapped up!

Recipe!

We are STILL remodeling the kitchen! Right now we do have use of the sink and stove and I have some counter space so I have been back on ETL as of the beginning of this week. With the holidays and a week of eating nothing but fast food and cereal, I gained more than I'd care to say. The good news is that since Sunday I have lost half of what I gained and am feeling SO much better now that I am eating REAL food again :-)

Here is the recipe for an easy soup that I made. I needed something that had minimal prep and could be cooked in one pot. It also had to include veggies and beans and I really wanted to make something with Kale and a lot of other super-nutritious greens in it. Here's what I came up with; it's actually a lot better than I was expecting - although I think it needs more garlic!
Nicole's Green Soup
Yield: 6 (generous) servings

4 c Veggie Broth + 2 to 4 c water
1 head of garlic, cloves crushed
1 lb green lentils
1 bunch kale, rinsed and thick stems cut off
1 bunch collards, rinsed and thick stems cut off
1 bunch bok choy, rinsed and broken/torn into pieces
Some frozen spinach
1 14.5 oz can no-salt canned tomatoes

1. Heat veggie broth and water in soup pot while cleaning and trimming all of the greens and crushing all of the garlic.
2. Put the garlic and the lentils in the pot and bring to a boil, add the greens to the top to steam.
3. Simmer until lentils are tender and greens are soft.
4. Blend in batches, add diced tomatoes to a batch or stir them in at the end to leave them chunky.

I like to add some Bragg's Liquid Aminos to this at meal time; it adds a nice dimension to the soup.

More soon; especially pictures of the kitchen!

Under Construction

Happy New Year everyone!

I am not quitting blogging or Eat to Live - but I have been on hiatus from both due to the holidays and a complete remodel of our kitchen (that we are doing ourselves with some help from my parents and Grandpa). We ripped everything out and are in the process of putting things back in. Right now we have new lighting installed and the wiring and drywall are in. Our refrigerator is the only appliance that is still running (and it has been doing so in the dining room). I plan to get right back into things as soon as I can use the new kitchen - and I really can't wait! I was laying in bed last night wishing that I could wake up and make a smoothie to bring to work with me this morning; I really miss them and my blended salads. I hope that we will have a useable kitchen by the end of the upcoming weekend. We've been taking pictures - I'll post them sometime soon.

My New Year's Resolution is to be more positive and not let the negativity of others (this is mostly at work) bother me as much. Do you have a New Year's Resolution? What is it?

ETL Angels

A BIG thank you to everyone who left me a comment from yesterday's post, your encouragement means so much to me and I am so very very lucky to have readers like all of you!


Here is how today went:
Breakfast: smoothie
Lunch: Italian-ish Stew, 2 small Christmas cookies
Dinner: Blended Salad

Exercise: 30 minute walk with Cammie, 30 min treadmill, 30 min Yourself!Fitness

Fuhrmometer: Broccoli

I'm giving myself Broccoli today because I did have the cookies at lunch but later I threw the rest of the cookies out instead of having one. I had a stressed out moment and was going to have a big cookie but I didn't; I just tossed them --hopefully no one at work was upset about it!

I'm trying something a little different with my meals this week, instead of having my salad or blended salad for lunch I'm talking my hot meal. I think that it will help me not want to go out and get lunch and it also cuts down on my am food prep time. So far it's working out well; I haven't thought about not eating the food I've brought with me :-)

Last night and tonight I was tempted not to eat a real dinner and out of laziness have cashews instead of my blended salad. Then something amazing happened; my little ETL angel appeared on my shoulder and said "But think about all of the nutrients you'll miss!" AND I AGREED!!! I am so happy that I thought about nutrition rather than ease or time or anything else. I feel like it was a great breakthrough for me.

Cammie likes my blended salads too - I think this is really funny. She's such an awesome pup.

lately...

...I haven’t been very consistent with posting. I’ve been considering not blogging anymore and just continuing on without writing about things. Ultimately I’ve decided that I do want to continue blogging and that I need to get back to blogging daily. I think that writing about my food and exercise and other experiences daily will help keep my head in the game. It won’t always be interesting; but it’s what I need to do.
Last week was not a good week. It wasn’t good at work and it wasn’t good on the ETL front either. There were two work Christmas parties, one at which I ate whatever I wanted and the other at which I didn’t eat anything. Plus all the other stresses coerced me into eating not good food. I kept on trying to eat better but it just never happened. I didn’t even bother to weigh myself on Sunday morning because I just don’t want to know. I am going to be much much better this week, I finally realized yesterday that one of the reasons that I’ve been feeling crappy lately is that I have been eating junk. I know that I feel so much better physically and psychologically when I am eating well that it really is a good incentive not to eat junk food.

Something that all of this recent stress has made me think about a lot is why I eat and why I’m overweight. I wish I were a person who is programmed to eat when hungry and not think about food when I’m not hungry; but I’m not. I think about food entirely too much and when I’m not mindful of it I will eat when I’m bored or if something sounds good or if I’m lonely or if I’m stressed. I talk myself into eating bad food all too easily and it’s all to easy to eat too much. In the past I used to sneak food – I can remember sneaking downstairs at night after everyone else in the house was asleep and making food. Now when I think about doing this at least there is a voice inside me that says “Who are you hiding from? You’re the one that’s not going to lose weight by doing this.” Whether or not I always listen to that voice is another story… The thing is, I know that overtime I have developed these unhealthy food habits and that they need to be changed. Some people would say that they are a food addict because of these things – I don’t want to label myself as an addict and make the excuse that these impulses can’t be changed – I know they can and I will change them. Writing about it and admitting it (as tough as it is) helps.

One of the highlights (no really!) of last week was on Thursday when I took a half day at work to get out and enjoy the 55 degree weather (in Western New York, in the middle of December!) with Cammie. We took a walk in a park that’s kind of close to home… what an eventful walk! I had to pee in the woods (first time and hopefully last) and also ended up losing my car & house keys in the park. We ended up walking home and asking a neighbor to borrow her phone so I could call hubby who had to leave a friend in a lurch and fight rush-hour traffic to come home and let me in. Then hubby and I went back to the park (in the dark! I kept on thinking Blair Witch Project) to look for the keys (we had a flashlight). No, we didn’t find them but we did have a spare set. I think I walked for somewhere in the 7 to 8 mile range that day. The best part was when we got home Hubby asked Cammie if she wanted to go for a walk and she started wagging her tail – that doggie just LOVES to take walks!

attitude

I’m not sure how often I’ve said it here; but I say it to my students all the time. Attitude is one of the biggest factors of success. It sounds corny, but I truly believe it and have experienced it. When one approaches a task with a positive attitude the chance that he or she is going to successfully complete that task is towering over someone with a negative attitude.

When I was in college I had to take Calculus, it was a degree requirement. In high school I didn’t think I was a math person, and I let it get in the way of doing well in Math and Science and on those lovely lovely standardized tests, if only I could go back and approach high school with a positive attitude. But the point here isn’t about high school… it’s about college. So the first time I took Calculus I had a bad attitude and projected it onto the professor. I felt I couldn’t learn anything from him and ended up just stopping going to class. Needless to say I had an F in the class. Two years later I took the class again; this time with a positive approach. I told myself that I would do all of the homework and practice questions every day and would ask for help if there was something I didn’t understand. I had a positive approach to the class and the professor and had a much better experience. I ended up getting a B or B+ (I can’t remember which) in the class which is amazing for someone who didn’t think that she was a “math person.”

I’ve tried to lose weight before as well. I don’t think that I approached it with the right positive attitude. I was full of “I hope I lose weight” and “If I get this weight off.” There was doubt that I would be able to be successful, and it turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This go-round, I do not allow myself to say “I hope” it’s “I will” and so on. This time I know I am going to be successful and keep in mind that eating according to Eat to Live is the healthiest thing that I can do for my body, that the food does taste good, and that I enjoy exercising. I’m not just telling myself these things figuring that they will sink in eventually; I really do believe them.

This doesn’t mean that the road is not long and rough. I do feel disappointed when I end up caving to myself and eating food that I shouldn’t. Eating for comfort and stress relief is something that I do have to get a grip on, and will. Sometimes I do get feeling down about my progress, especially when I get into these places where I struggle to get the scale moving. Losing weight is tough, and I want to be as honest about my experience as possible. It’s not all good, but I do try to find the positive. I’m sorry if sometimes this doesn’t come through, I will be more vigilant about it in the future.

There are other factors aside from food that come into play. A lifetime of living as a fat girl doesn’t do much for one’s self-confidence and in my case has made me a shy and introverted person. I prefer being by myself or with hubby, my close family and very very good friends and am very uncomfortable with strangers or large crowds. I do feel much better about my appearance already and know that that feeling will continue to grow as I continue to lose weight. I think that feeling better about my appearance will allow me to increase self-confidence and help me to become a more outgoing person in the future – I just need to approach it with a positive attitude.

Thank you to the Anonymous commenter from Monday’s post for getting me thinking about all of this. If nothing else; I need to keep in mind that I am no longer a 300lb miserable and hopeless person and that I’ve got a lot to be excited about.

The image is one of my favorite paintings, it is “New York Movie" by Edward Hopper.

six months

Today:
Breakfast: smoothie
Lunch: wrap from HFS
Dinner: hummus on pita, blended salad

Exercise: 30 min walk with Cammie

Fuhrmometer Reading: Lentil

No news to report regarding last week's weigh in. I stayed the same, which I suppose is ok for sort of going down hill at the end of the week. I missed my -75 by the six month mark, very disappointing. It has finally showed me that I have to stop setting goals like this for myself because despite my best efforts sometimes I just can't meet them. I am through with setting lose X amount by Y date goals and competing in challenges. The only goals and challenges I have anymore are to work as hard as I can to be as healthy as I can. I will lose the weight; but I will not impose a time limit on myself to do it in.

Today I was about to put the breaks on and say that I would just do my best for the next few weeks but not be so strict with myself. I was feeling so tired and burnt out about everything. I feel like I'm always running and I always have so much to do. This lifestyle takes a lot of time to prep the food and plan meals and exercise that I feel like I never get any time to just rest and veg out. My weekends are full and my weekdays are stressful. I just wanted some time to rest.

Then I looked at my pants. They look hideous... they are way too big and do not make me feel good at all. These same pants were so tight six months ago that I felt like a sausage stuffed into them. Not fun. And then I thought about the 4 pairs of pants from the Gap and the cute little herringbone pattern skirt that are hanging in my closet waiting for me to drop a few more pounds so I can wear them and I didn't want to coast anymore. I want to get back on the losing track. I want to be able to wear those clothes sooner than later!

I know it's kind of silly to be motivated by clothes but it helps me. Hubby and I were at the mall this weekend and it was nice to walk by the stores I used to shop in (like Lane Bryant) and say to hubby "I never have to shop there again!" It was also nice to be able to go to the mall and not feel as self-conscious as I would have before. Things have changed for the better by quite a bit and I've got to keep those things in mind.

this post is about food

Today:
Breakfast: Smoothie
Lunch: Blended Salad
Dinner: Spicy Red Lentil Soup, Cereal with Soy Milk

Exercise: rest day

Fuhrmometer Reading: Broccoli

Well I had a 5 Kale Day streak that I broke yesterday by having a wrap for lunch. I had been thinking about it for a few days and was having a rough day at work and just finally let myself have it. It was an emotional craving and I actually did start to feel better after I had it. The rest of the day was good; I didn't just chuck the rest of the day, which is something I've had a tendency to do in the past.

I read today on the Biggest Loser website that they think it's ok to have a cheat meal once a week so that one doesn't feel deprived and keeps up their motivation. The same article said that cheat meals help your body not to fall into a rut by eating around the same amount of calories all the time - it helps to keep you losing. I don't know if the claim about throwing a caloric curve ball at your body is based on any kind of scientific fact; but I really like the idea of allowing myself one cheat meal per week. Not a cheat DAY, not 4 trips to the buffet, just one cheat meal to keep me honest and keep my motivation going. I think it will help out my mental game. If it starts to effect me in other ways or on the scale we'll have to revisit this idea.

I'm feeling really creative in the kitchen lately and am itching to have some time to get in there and cook. Next week we are having our office Holiday party and I am bringing all ETL stuff. Here's what I plan on making: hummus, green velour dressing, and ETL Caesar Dressing to go with various veggies and whole wheat pita; so I stay away from the bad desserts I am going to make Date-Nut Truffles. More on the truffles when I make them. I also have some ideas for making an ETL mushroom stroganoff, which I'd really really like to make soon; because if it comes out the way I am imagining it, it's gonna be delicious.

Well I'm off to curl up with hubby and puppy and watch some TV. More later!

on being hungry

Today:
Breakfast: green smoothie (spinach, blueberries, strawberries, banana, flax and water)
Lunch: blended salad (romaine, baby carrots, pineapple, 1/2 banana)
Dinner: italian-ish stew

Exercise: 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min

Fuhrmometer Reading: Kale

Today I've been thinking about hunger. One of the things you learn about first when discovering Eat to Live is the concept of toxic hunger; it makes sense to most people but you really don't realize the iron grip that hunger has over you until you've had relief from it. It's amazing to realize how much better life is when you're not dieing of hunger all the time or feeling headachy or tired or nautious from it.

Before I started ETLing I had such toxic hunger it wasn't funny. If I didn't eat sooner or later it would catch up with me and I'd get headaches or feel weak etc. I can remember a time where I was really hungry and hubby and I were out and about; it was going to be an hour or so until we were going to be home to eat and I was so hungry I got one of those horrible gum balls out of a vending machine to help curb the hunger. I remember hubby saying to me "you're so hungry you can't wait an hour for dinner?" and I really didn't think I could. The feeling of hunger felt unbearable at the time. Looking back, it makes me sad that I was such a slave to junk and it was effecting my body so much.

These days hunger is totally different. I still feel hungry but it's not uncomfortable or unbeararable. I don't get hungry headaches or feel any of those nasty effects of toxic hunger because I don't have to deal with it any more. I still have days where I feel like I am perpetually hungry now and then, but I don't have those "I MUST EAT NOW" moments. It really is so nice not to have to deal with the feelings of toxic hunger any more.

Another thing I love about eating a "diet" is the feeling of hunger. All too often when not being mindful about what I eat I end up eating just for the sake of eating or because I'm bored or whatever and miss out on the feeling of hunger. I felt like this over Thanksgiving - I would go to the fridge to grab some leftover something and think to myself that I'm not hungry, this isn't as satisfying when I'm not hungry. I really enjoy the feeling of being hungry and fulfilling the need. When you're not hungry, it's just not worth it.

It's great to be in touch with your body and know that you are giving it what it needs.

Thank goodness for the Holiday Challenge

Today:
Breakfast: smoothie
Lunch: blended salad (just pineapple, lettuce and carrots with water today)
Dinner: Italian-ish stew, dates & cashews

Exercise: 30 min walk with Cammie, 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 36 min treadmill

Fuhrmometer: Kale


Well after a 4.4 pound loss this week I am back to my pre-Thanksgiving derailment of -71 pounds overall. Next week will be the six month mark for me and I'd really like to be at -75... nice "round numbers" make me happy.

And I know I can lose the 4 pounds this week. I've got a good streak going now of 3 Kale days in a row and it's actually pretty easy. I've got some good motivation and momentum right now so I know I can continue the streak on and on and on. Also having delicious food to eat helps too ;-)

catch-up & recipe

Ok sorry I've been MIA. It's been tough to find time to post these last few days.

Here's how things have been:
Thursday, a.k.a "Nose Dive"
B: standard smoothie
L: standard blended salad
D: pizza, apple pie

E: none
Fuhrmometer: Potato

Friday, a.k.a "return of the Kale"
B: standard smoothie
L: standard blended salad
D: spicy red lentil soup, pumpkin pie smoothie

E: short walk/sprint with Cammie between downpours, 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min treadmill
Fuhrmometer: Kale

Saturday, a.k.a "yesterday"
B: standard smoothie
L: standard blended salad
D: italian-ish stew, pumpkin pie smoothie

E: 60 min walking Cammie (two 1/2hr walks), 30 min Yourself!Fitness, 30 min bike
Fuhrmometer: Kale


Italian-Ish Stew
(This makes a ton of soup/stew, 8 to 10 servings)

1.5 lb (dry) great northern or cannelini beans
2 cups diced carrots
2 cups diced celery
3 med white onions, diced
3 - 4 cloves garlic
2 15 oz cans no-salt diced tomatoes
1 small (2 oz?) can tomato paste
2 cups pearl barley
1 pkg Boca Italian Sausage
1 Tbl italian seasoning
1 Tbl basil
1 Tbl fennel seed
2 tsp rosemary
Water - a lot

1. Soak beans overnight, cook them until tender and portion out into 1 cup servings.

2. Partially defrost Boca Italian Sausage and then grind it up in the food processor until it is fine. Set aside.

3. Water-saute carrots, celery and onion in soup pot until they start to soften. Add in the tomatoes, garlic, and spices, simmer for 2 minutes.

4. Add barley and ground up Boca sausages and enough water to cover... I think I added *about* 10 cups and got a very thick stew-like consistency. Once water is added and soup is simmering, stir in tomato paste. Simmer soup until barley is tender but still chewy.

5. Portion soup out over the cooked beans into containers. Freezes very well.

The Boca Italian sausage is not really an ETL ingredient but when spread out over 8 to 10 servings is less than 300mg of sodium per serving (within ETL guidelines). It adds a great flavor to the soup!