day 20: eat to live vs. live to eat

Today's Food:
Breakfast: Smoothie
Lunch: romaine with green velour
Dinner: mushrooms, spinach, and beans with garlic & herb seasoning and an apple

Exercise: 45 minute walk/jog on the treadmill, arms & abs training

So today I've really been thinking about Eating to Live and not Living to Eat. I think that Dr. F means that you should be eating food to enhance your health, longevity and quality of life. Which I agree is important. I certainly don't want to have heart disease, diabetes, or high cholesterol. BUT, I've been overweight since I can remember. I can't explain how long I've wished for something that would help me obtain a "normal" figure, so that I can be active and enjoy all of the things that a thin person enjoys. I hate having to think about my weight all of the time and wondering if I'm going to "fit."

For me, Dr. F's plan is my wish come true. While it hasn't been fun for the past few weeks; I've definitely seen results. I know that if I can make it a habit and if I can make exercise a habit I can make my goal. I know that this will work.

Despite this, I've been struggling with missing "regular" food. I think far too much about when I'm going to permit myself to have an off plan meal, or how when I reach my goal I can have (in limited quantities) some of the food that I really like. I'm still obsessing about food. As Jamie and I mutually agreed, it's just food. I have not been eating to live; I have been living to eat.

I don't want to live to eat. I want to live to run. I want to live to kayak. I want to live to whitewater raft! I want to live to shop. I want to live to swim. I want to live to travel. I want to live to enjoy going out with my husband and my friends. I want to live to feel good about myself.

One of my major goals is to really internalize the idea of eating to live. Food is necessary for life and health. It is not necessary for comfort, companionship, or pleasure. It's just food. There's no reason to obsess about it. If I eat food that tastes really good that's a bonus, but I'm not going to make it the focus of my life anymore.

day 19: the little things

Today's Food:
Breakfast: standard smoothie
Lunch: romaine with beans and Green Velour
Dinner: a few bites of cooked veggies, 1 slice of multi grain toast with about a teaspoon of natural peanut butter

Exercise: 35 minute walk/jog on the treadmill

I'm afraid it's going to be a short entry tonight. It's late and I still have a lot of stuff to do. Today was just OK ETL-wise, but I enjoyed my workout. The highlight was the toast and peanut butter, which IS ETL! Tomorrow is the last day of work before a 4 day weekend! Be on the lookout for some quality posting and some recipes. Thank you to everyone that has been reading and posting comments; you've all helped so much!

day 18: curry take 2

Today's Food:
Breakfast: standard nicole smoothie, except I forgot the flax!
Lunch: romaine with white beans and Green Velour
Dinner: broccoli curry, apple

Exercise: rest day

Well I tried curry again, and it worked out much better. I made the sauce seperately and just barely cooked frozen broccoli in the microwave (our microwave has a "cook frozen broccoli" setting). When everything was done I poured the sauce over the still very crisp broccoli. Topped with a sprinkle of sesame seeds and voila! Much better than the last try!

I wore some pants today that were snug when I first wore them when hubby and I went to Florida in April. It's nice that I'm starting to see/feel some results other than the number on the scale. AND I haven't peeked at the scale this week and am feeling much better than last week. It's definitely helping. I would have worked out today if I didn't have to stay at work late to close the office because the receptionist and administrative assistant had to leave early. Well, now I have no excuse not to exercise for the rest of the week! I may still do some crunches later tonight.

day 17: baby steps

Today’s Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry smoothie with soy milk and flax
Lunch: salad of romaine, white beans, and “green velour”
Dinner: raw carrots, broccoli & cauliflower with braggs, garlic powder, onion powder, and crushed red pepper flakes
Dessert: apple

Exercise: 33 min walk/jog on the treadmill, 30 minutes weight training

Still trying to work out the kinks of ETL food. Who knew it would be so tough to find food I like on this diet? I’ve never been adverse to veggies or salad, I like beans, and who doesn’t like at least some fruit? Again, I know it’s just trial and error and it will work itself out in time. But still, I can’t help craving all the old comforts; pizza, veggie burgers, potatoes, cheese…

That said, I think I’m doing pretty well so far this week (even though it’s just Tuesday). I’ve exercised every day and except for my liberal use of Braggs on my dinner tonight I’ve stuck pretty closely to ETL. I look forward to when ETL will be as easy for me as being lacto-ovo was. I had gotten to the point that I didn’t really even think about it; it was just something that was instinct to me. I’m sure that it will happen if I keep at it.

There were a few moments today when I thought to myself about ditching ETL and going back to WW and keeping up with the exercise. It does still sound good. I also thought to myself a few times today, is it really better to lose weight and be miserable about food than not lose weight and be miserable about myself? I have come back to my senses and know these things take longer than 2.5 weeks.

Sincerely,
still sticking with it

day 16: brown rice would be so good with this...

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry smoothie with soy milk and flax.
Lunch: black bean salad over romaine
Dinner: veggie curry, apple

Exercise: 45 minute walk on the treadmill

First things first, if you're a lover of ephemera, check out www.paperstuff.com, they have an amazing collection of vintage fruit and veggie crate labels. I'm already dreaming of redoing the art in my dining room with them and I just happened upon the website 15 minutes ago.

And back to ETL land... Today I kept repeating to myself something that Rosy talks about a lot in her blog (thanks to her weight loss tracker); "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." Aside from breakfast, nothing tasted good today. I didn't finish my lunch because it was just taking me too long to eat it and I was sick of eating. My poor veggie curry is hopelessly overcooked and mushy veggies are just never a delight for the palate. Every food commercial I see on tv looks good; even for food I would have never wanted prior to starting ETL. Just one of those days I guess.

I think that with time I will find recipes that I like and will be happy with ETL food, and then SAD food won't be such a tease. I just get so impatient sometimes!

day 15: weigh day II

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry smoothie with soy milk and flax
Lunch: black bean salad on top of romaine
Dinner: veggie curry, apple

Exercise: 45 minute walk/jog on the treadmill, waxed my car

Well it was a tough week, but I'm happy with the results. Next weeks goal set for me by "sarge" is 5 lbs. I think I can do it; seeing as how I only really exercised for half of this week. With a whole week of exercise and following ETL all the way it's an attainable goal. It'd be even nicer to hit the -2o lbs mark but hey; the weight will come off in time.

I sabotaged myself a little this week by weighing myself all the time. I'm only going to weigh myself on my weigh day now. And I'm not going to get too caught up in how much I lose or don't lose (although I'd really like to lose a lot every week... lol).

Well, the Gorillaz are on tv; so I'm gonna go for tonight. Have a great week all!

day 14: prep day

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry smoothie with soy milk and flax
Lunch: black bean salad
Dinner: romaine with "green velour," apple

Excercise: rest day today

Today was cleaning and prep day in the kitchen. I spent a lot of time re-arranging cabinets, cleaning and cooking today. I made black bean salad (actually mine had black beans and red kidney beans), some more "green velour" dressing, and some curried veggies. The curry didn't make as much as I was hoping (only 3 portions) so I will have to make some more tomorrow.


Black Bean Salad

2 15 oz cans of black beans (no salt)
1 avocado
1 large red onion
1 pint grape tomatoes
¼ cup fresh lime juice
1 T vinegar
½ tsp chili powder
½ tsp cumin
¼ tsp cayenne pepper

- Drain and rinse beans, divide into 1 cup portions. (Using separate containers for each portion)

- In a medium bowl; combine lime juice, vinegar, chili powder, cumin, and cayenne. Pit and dice the avocado and add it to the bowl and toss with the sauce. Slice the grape tomatoes and add to the bowl. Dice the red onion and add to the bowl. Toss all of the fresh veggies together.

- Evenly distribute veggie mixture into the containers holding the beans. (I used my kitchen scale to make sure they are even).

- Mix the beans and the veggie mixture together.

This recipe yielded me 3 portions with an ETL exchange of 1 cup beans and 6-7 oz raw vegetables. I used Red Wine Vinegar and it gave it a very tangy taste. If I were to make this again I might leave the vinegar out and replace it with more lime juice.

day 13: i cheated

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry smoothie with soy milk and flax
Lunch: black bean soup, romaine with "green velour"
Dinner: Amy's Cheese Enchilada frozen meal

Exercise: 45 minute walk/jog on the treadmill

I cheated. I feel bad about it, but it also tasted good. I was stressed out and tired and didn't want to eat baby carrots and bland cooked veggies. I wanted something familiar, cheesy, and simple to make. So I ate the Amy's meal I still had in the freezer.

And then I IM'ed hubby (cause he works nights) to tell him. My hubby is the best. He switched into "Drill Sergeant" mode and told me I needed to work out right away (you can see that I did in my "mug shot," I don't usually look that disheveled). He also said that I need to throw away my non-ETL food. That's just what I needed to hear. He didn't tell me I was evil or scold me; he just reinforced the things that were in my head that I didn't want to take the initiative to make myself do. Plus he can check up on me to make sure I follow through. He has been so supportive and I'm happy for that. I love my drill sergeant hubby.

I didn't plan to quit ETL when I cheated; I just wanted one "normal" meal. I've been planning for tomorrow to be a cooking day. I know I haven't been doing well with the cooked veggies so it is my mission tomorrow to make enough cooked veggies to last me the week. I'm also going to soak and cook enough beans for the week. Stay tuned for the recipes :-)

One last thing about the cheating episode; after I ate it I actually felt better emotionally. I think the craving was mostly psychological and emotional. All of that denying myself of the things I'm used to got to me. Thinking every day about what I wanted to eat on my birthday (still not for 2+ months) got to me. It's out of my system now and this time I'll make it much longer without going off-plan.

day 12: missing salt...

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry-spinach smoothie with soy and flax
Lunch: black bean soup, romaine with "green velour"
Dinner: green beans with almonds, raw baby carrots

Exercise: am: weight training, pm: cardio

The exercise plan is going well; hubby motivated me to get out of bed early this morning to work out. It wasn't fun getting up at first but after a while I was glad that I did.

I added spinach to my smoothie for the first time today, it was "just ok," I think that once I get to a point where I am consistently eating my 1 lb of cooked veggies (which I am not right now) I will cut the spinach back out of the smoothies and just do fruit. As hubby told my family this past weekend, breakfast (smoothie) is my favorite part of ETL.

I was really missing (read: craving) salt and fat tonight when I went to make dinner. Nothing sounded good to me and I really didn't even want to eat. I really need to spend some time trying out recipes for cooked veggies to find some that I really love. I really have to remember while I'm craving non-Eat to Live food why I'm doing ETL: to be happier, healthier, be active the way I want to be, and cute clothes.

Still getting into the groove of things :-)

day 11: happy summer!

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-raspberry smoothie with soy and flax
Lunch: celery and carrots with a little hummus (store bought - ick!)
Dinner: black bean soup, romaine with "Green Velour" dressing*

Exercise: 32 minutes walk/jog on the treadmill!

Today hubby and I washed, cut up and froze a bunch of beautiful strawberries for smoothies, they taste and smell amazing. Summertime is definitely the best time to start ETL! All of the fresh produce really helps make switching to a diet that is centered on fruit and veggies so much easier.

I had an excellent workout today, I spent 10 minutes walking gradually faster to warm up and for the other 22 minutes I did a sort of interval kind of thing by running/jogging for 1 minute and then walking for 2 minutes and repeating. It felt like a really good workout and it was fun and made the time go by much more quickly over walking or jogging at a constant pace. I plan to alternate days between yoga and strength training in the morning and also doing cardio every day after work. I'd like to work out at least 6 days a week.

*Green Velour is my new variation to Green Velvet, I substituted frozen spinach (because it's what I had) for the parsley, tarragon, and dill. I prefer it to the original recipe :-) It's a much more mild flavor and kind of tastes like pesto to me. The next time I make it I am going to make it with basil and spinach or maybe just basil alone!

day 10: a week can change so much

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-raspberry smoothie with soy and flax
Lunch: black bean soup, romaine with green velvet
Dinner: cooked broccoli & cauliflower, raw carrots
Dessert: chocolate/banana "ice cream" (frozen banana, cocoa powder, a splash of vanilla, soy milk, and some water)

Somebody out there in blogger land asked where I got the recipe for the Green Velvet Dressing that I have been putting on my salads. I got the recipe from Dr. Fuhrman's recipe center in the member's section of his website. I don't want to get in trouble for reproducing a recipe without the consent of the originator, so I'll just say that the ingredients include: lemon juice, water, garlic, tahini, dill, tarragon, parsley, braggs liquid aminos and some no-salt seasoning. The dressing smells kinda funky when it is fresh made but has a creamy texture and tastes pretty good. It also keeps decently in the fridge with a little shake before putting on salads.

Speaking of Dr. F's member site, I highly reccommend it to any people out there that are following ETL and are not members. The forums and Ask the Doctor board are worth the price in and of itself. However; you also get the recipe database, monthly newsletter (with access to all of the back newsletters), access to monthly teleconferences with the Doctor (and files of all the back teleconferences) and so much more. It really is worth the money if you can afford it; and it's cheaper than other online weight loss services such as WW. I'm definitely not a sales person by nature but I believe that this service is worth every penny.

Today I really felt like I'm settling into ETL eating. I still have cravings a little bit for "regular" food, but they're really easy to say no to. I also think I figured out my catalyst for excercising: the scale. Last week's results were so great it really motivates me to continue seeing the scale go down. I know every week won't be that huge a loss; but I know with excercise I will lose it all a lot faster than without it, and every time I go into the bathroom I will see the scale and be reminded about how much I want to see the scale go down and how important excercise is to making that happen.

day 9: nicole's the biggest loser

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-strawberry smoothie with soy and flax
Lunch: black bean soup, romaine with green velvet, strawberries
Dinner: veggie stir fry, raw baby carrots

So this morning I poked my head into my boss' office to share with her my week 1 results. Little did I know that she would proceed to tell the entire office! Luckily our office consists of only 7 people (including myself) and we are all women. But at any rate, hearing "Nicole's the biggest loser!" was kind of funny and slightly embarassing for some reason.

I did get a lot of questions about the diet today, and since everyone in the office is trying as much as they can to be health conscious I didn't get any criticism or anything. It's a nice environment to be in.

I got pretty close to my all of the daily goals (1lb raw veggies, 1lb cooked veggies, 1c beans, 4 servings fruit, 1 oz seeds/nuts) today. I feel good and full, and haven't had the cravings for bread or other non-ETL so much lately, which is good. I do need to incorporate some more variety of food into my diet to really get the benefits of this plan like Dr. F says. But hey; trying new things will keep the diet interesting.

day 8: first weigh day

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-raspberry smoothie with soy milk and flax
Lunch: black bean soup and raw baby carrots, date-coconut thingies (they're gone now, and will not return!)
Dinner: romaine with green velvet, pineapple

Woo Hoo! Down 9.6 pounds! I'll admit I had to weigh myself about 4 times before I actually believed the scale, I was worried that I would only be down something like 3 pounds after the long week and honestly trying the best I could to stick to ETL. I wasn't perfect but wow! Results like this certainly give the incentive to stick even closer to the plan.

I also want to start working out. Ideally I'd like to do yoga in the morning and cardio and weights in the evening after work. We'll see how I do. I don't understand how I can be so committed to a way of eating (even when I was just lacto-ovo) and not be able to make the same sort of commitment to excercising. All I can say is that now like never before I believe that I can be successful in losing weight and working out can only help out along the way. I am going to work on establishing a commitment to excercise the way I have to diet, I know I can do it; I just have to figure out how.

day 7: establishing normalcy

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-blueberry-raspberry smoothie with a little soy milk and flax
Lunch: celery with hummus
Dinner: baby carrots, romaine with green velvet, 2 kiwis

So today we made a smoothie for me for breakfast, it was definitely a little bit of trial and error to get the amount of fruit to liquid right but when we got it it was really yummy and filling! I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning so I can have another one. I haven't got the guts to add any greens to the mix just yet but maybe will with time.

Today was another day where I wasn't so interested in food, maybe because it's been so hot? Maybe because I'm at the end of the detox phase? Maybe because food and eating have become less of an enjoyable experience and more of a duty? Whatever the reason is; I can't really say that I mind it, I'd just like to know why.

day 6: something's different

Today's Food:
Breakfast: banana-strawberry smoothie
Lunch: cooked broccoli
Dinner: romaine with green velvet dressing
Dessert: date & coconut "macaroons"

So this morning breakfast was supposed to be grapes, pineapple, and banana. I took all the food I had planned on eating today with me to work, like I always do. I took my fruit to my desk with me with the intention of eating it; but I just wasn't hungry. So I waited. I didn't get hungry so after a while I put the grapes and the pineapple back in the fridge and thought maybe I'd just eat the banana when I got hungry, but I didn't.

So finally it's 11:30 and I leave work to go to the ATM because I need money to pay back a co-worker for dinner at graduation a month ago (we thought it'd be expensed but alas no), I needed 22 dollars; but could only get out multiples of 20 so I went to the grocery store to break it (the gc is right across the parking lot from the bank). By this time I'm getting ever so slightly hungry so I picked up a Bolthouse Farms Banana Strawberry smoothie. It's made with banana puree, strawberry puree and apple juice from concentrate. The apple juice from concentrate isn't perfectly ETL but in essence it all works. It was tasty and I knew I needed to get some nutrients into me or else I'd eventually crash.

I again wasn't hungry for lunch, but I knew I should have something before our 2pm training; so I just had my broccoli with some black pepper instead of my salad and broccoli as planned. It was a chore to finish just the broccoli and again I wasn't hungry for dinner. I don't get it. This is definitely something new for me.

I did pick up some dates and coconut today at the store and whizzed them up together in the food processor with a splash of unsweetened soy milk to make a sort of faux macaroon. Wow are they good. Too good. I won't be buying more dates because I could get into a lot of trouble like this. I did tell myself that I can only have the remaining "macaroons" if I work out, and then I can only have 1 per day. It's a good plan.

All in all an interesting day. I can get used to this not being hungry thing. It can stay.

day 5: hitting the emotional wall

Today's Food:
Breakfast: Grapes, Banana
Lunch: romaine with hummus, chili
Dinner: carrots and celery with hummus, green beans with almonds

Today was a decent day; until I was leaving work. Something pissed me off and it threw me into an emotional tailspin related to the diet. I started of angry and just wanted some "comfort food" but knew I couldn't have it. This made me so upset that I was crying as I walked into the grocery store. I was really close to picking up the phone and calling hubby to tell him that I'm through with this. But I didn't.

I went to the store and while I could have made a beeline for the bakery and the potato chip asile I didn't. I was good and just bought the lettuce I need for tomorrow's lunch. I came home and had a very theraputic experience peeling and juicing lemons.

Now when I think about things I feel silly for getting so upset about food. It's just food! It's really enlightening, I never really thought that I was an emotional eater. It's not like I regularly get upset and say to myself "I'm going to eat to make myself feel better," I don't think I consciously do that at all. Now that I've had this experience, hopefully I won't spiral out of control the next time something throws me off.

it's day 4 already!

Today's Food:
Breakfast: strawberrys, grapes, banana, apple
Lunch: romaine with green velvet dressing, chili
Dinner: carrots & celery with hummus, green beans with almonds

Today was another good day. I did have a mini-craving for chocolate mid-afternoon but I didn't give in to it. For most of the day I felt really good, I think I'm doing pretty well with the "detoxing." I'm finding that it's tough to get away from salt 100%, why oh why does salt have to be in everything? ;-)

Every day reaffirms for me that this is a good choice. Sometimes I think about "regular" food and get a little sad that I can't have it anymore. (For example the cheese and crackers left over from last night's open house at work) But I have to keep reminding myself that life is much better as a healthy and active person (who can shop at J. Crew) than as a fat person who eats pizza and cookies! It really exemplifies Eat to Live for me, and not live to eat.

welcome to day 3

Today's Food:
Breakfast: green grapes, strawberries, pineapple
Lunch: romaine with green velvet dressing, chili
Dinner: cauliflower/broccoli mush, carrots & hummus, celery & natural peanut butter
Dessert: Banana

Today was a great day. Even though someone brought a box of delicious looking bakery goods into the office this morning; I stayed on ETL. It didn't even require an amazing feat of willpower or anything, I happily ate my fruit for breakfast. I also didn't feel cravings as much for bread or soda today. I'm really proud of me right now. Eat to Live is becoming a little bit easier every day and I'm so extremely happy for that I can't even express it. I know that my goals are just that much more attainable. Kayak, here I come!

ETL day 2

Today's Food:
Breakfast: Carrots & Hummus, Apple, Banana, Pineapple
Lunch: the infamous arugula salad (kind of), veggie chili
Dinner: romaine lettuce, green velvet dressing, soy bacon bits, green beans with almonds, diet pepsi

So today was a challenge.

Breakfast was good, although it took me an hour and a half to eat. This is a big difference from the Luna Bar's that I used to wolf down in 90 seconds. Lunch was a struggle, I did my best with the salad, but most of the salad ended up in the trash can :-( I think I made up for things at dinner, I had most of a 10oz. bag of romaine with the yummy Green Velvet Dressing that my awesome hubby made for me and some soy bacon bits. I know the bacon bits aren't perfectly ETL, but I don't feel bad about it. Ditto for the Pepsi. In time I think that I can phase these types of things out without feeling bad about it.

I'm looking forward to not feeling bad about myself in a swimsuit and being able to go swimming for exercise when I'm thin. :-)

yuck

You know how "they" say that you learn something every day? Today's lesson, I don't like arugula.

Yeah, I have a big container of arugula and Boston lettuce staring at me right now, and I know I have to eat it but I just don't want to. Yuck.

What's worse, I have more of it at home that I have to eat for dinner. Sigh. I'm going to try it with some leftover hummus I had in the fridge from breakfast. Wish me luck.

breaking ground for a new me

Today's Food:
Breakfast: Kiwi, Banana, Apple
Lunch: Baby Carrots
Dinner: Hummus, Baby Carrots, Veggie Chili

Well kids, it's been a long day and I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't think about putting off starting Eat to Live a few times. I'm also not going to say I'm not tempted by the potato chips that are in the kitchen right now. I am going to say that I am proud of myself for sticking to ETL 100% today, no compromises... I didn't even take a sip of Mark's (my hubby) Diet Pepsi. I think I did good.

I didn't get the full 16oz of raw veggies or the full 16oz of cooked veggies either, but we were out and about almost all day and I was very tired by the time we got home. I'm not hungry or craving anything right now so I think it's probably ok.

All in all I'm proud of me; nothing in life that's worth doing requires zero effort... and Eat to Live definitely requires a lot of effort. I know it's all worthwhile when I think about being able to go kayaking whenever I want (in the summer) and buying clothes that I actually feel good about and how much better life will be as a healthy person.

Less Than 2 Days

Today’s Food: (not on ETL until Sunday) (We had an all day staff retreat today, early morning, long long day, and limited food choices)
Breakfast: Grande Non-fat Caramel Macchiato (Starbucks), apple and banana.
Lunch: Fettuccine with broccoli and cheese sauce, bread stick, and cake (dude, I know)
Dinner: Salad with Almond Accents, Morningstar Farms veggie chicken, and Greek vinaigrette dressing.
Dessert: Rice Pudding

I don’t even want to know how many calories that is.

I am happy that I had the fruit at breakfast; as opposed to a Danish or muffin. I am also happy that at lunch I ate all of the broccoli and only about 1/3 of the pasta stuff. And dinner, hey I could have pizza but I’m actually looking forward to the salad; which is good because I’m going to be eating a lot of salad soon.

So 2 days until I start Eat to Live. It’s been about a week since I read Jennifer’s blog entry about Eat to Live and Dr. Fuhrman’s approach to ending food addiction etc. I ordered Eat to Live last weekend or maybe Monday, and on Wednesday decided that I would start the Six-Week plan on Sunday.

And what a week it’s been! I really feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride of emotions, mostly excited about finally having a manageable and attainable way of losing the weight that I’ve wanted to lose for as long as I can remember! I’ve also been nervous, this is a fairly radical departure from the way I’ve been eating; and I hope that I can stick with it. I also understand that this diet requires a lot of prep work, and I hope that I don’t get burned out on all of the work to prepare the meals.

Despite all of my worries I’m confident that I will be able to do this. I hope that this blog will help me stay focused and motivated and that it will also help me to track my progress and what I’ve been eating on my way. I’ve got so much to look forward to when I reach my goal; I can’t wait to experience life as a “normal sized” girl.